Is it safe to assume that we get bullied for what makes us different: race, religion, sexual orientation, physical appearance to name a few?
Well, if you don’t already know, I was adopted by a family with a really good reputation that my every move, and every word I say, people around me seem to find it as a direct reflection of what a huge mistake it was for my parents to take me in. Back when I was a kid, where being adopted was a prominent reason for being a magnet to bullies, I used to think and feel that being adopted was a BAD thing – only because of the way people treated me. Too bad I didn’t have the resources that we have now to help me cope with it. And I have always regretted the fact that I chose or more like refused to say anything because I feared that my way of defending myself would just open opportunities for people to hate/dislike me even more.
But, looking past that and constantly trying to put myself in their shoes to understand why people do what they do, I have come up with different acceptable reasons why. While you may have reasons to believe otherwise, remember … This is plainly based on my opinion. If you’re already raising an eyebrow, I don’t recommend reading on.
So, the way most people see bullying is all wrong and it isn’t because we are different in some way. Usually, those who bully others are looking to gain a feeling of power, purpose and control over you. The easiest way for them to do this is to focus on something that is unique about you – either by preying on or creating a new insecurity with an intent to hurt you physically or emotionally. And for the people who fall victim to this vicious cycle, they become self-critical and want to understand why they are being targeted and eventually start blaming themselves.
In so doing, they mask that unique characteristic in order to avoid bullying. They change their looks, bleach their skin, cover up certain parts of their bodies that they may be ashamed of. This now starts to affect their behavior and the ways they see themselves – which then impacts both their mental and physical health.
But why do people bully? There are certain things that factor into making them want to express and focus their attention to others. Those who bully are far more likely to have experienced a stressful or traumatic situation in the past. We all go through the same and as a result, we respond to stress but in very different ways. Some use positive behaviors (meditation, yoga, exercise, therapy) Others resort to negative behaviors such as bullying, violence, alcohol abuse which temporarily mask the issues but usually make them worse in the long run. Simply put, people who do not know how to positively respond to stress default to bullying as a coping mechanism.
And sadly, in our society, with the many ways we are raised, most of the bullies are male. Think about a certain situation where a guy starts to show any inkling sign of emotion, he is told to man up and to stop being a girl. And that’s why guys are more likely to physically attack somebody or worse, commit crimes. It is not something they’re born with, it’s simply a learned behavior that is actively influenced by society using dysfunctional gender roles.
So, by focusing attention on someone, they cover up how they truly feel about themselves; thus, avoiding any negative attention directed at them by deflecting. But they might look at the mirror and hate the way they look since there is so much pressure to live up to when it comes to beauty and fitness standards. We are even taught to compare ourselves to others, instead of embracing our own beauty.
Those who have experienced bullying (maybe they were bullied as kids in the past, or maybe they are being bullied now) are also likely to go on and bully others. Oftentimes, this is used as a defense mechanism and people tend to believe that by doing so, they will become immune to being bullied. This is utterly wrong, and it just becomes a vicious cycle of negative behaviors.
Also, there are often feelings of rejection from the very people who should love them unconditionally – parents for example. They are also much more likely to come from a violent household therefore defying their odds of reality that they end up putting that tension towards others.
Oftentimes, people bully because their friendships and family relationships aren’t very secure and in order to keep certain friendships, they might be pressured by their peers to behave in a certain way.
But there are also times when not enough access to education can lead to hate-based conversation directed at others that may be the norm. Since they may not understand what hate speech is and why speaking about people in a derogatory way is not appropriate.
So, whomever this post is mainly directed to, I am mainly putting major emphasis on the reasons why I think people bully others. For my readers who have fallen victims of these aggressors, try building a strong emotional resilience where you can easily laugh out on people’s bad comments/opinions about you. This is one of the few but memorable lessons I learned growing up. Thanks to Dad!